It's been a rough week.
I got the flu, collapsed more than a handful of times in public places, then subsequently sobbed in my share of public spaces. I've spent more hours this week in the fetal position than standing. Sometimes I feel like the pain and exhaustion will never end. And honestly, it may not in this lifetime. And that's okay.
Society tells me to be angry. Western individualistic culture tells me my worth is in my career, what I do, where I live, who I meet, my ~c0ol~ travels, my posts on Instagram, etc. Sometimes I succumb to these lies more than I should.
I often feel like I'm owed something from life. I think we all do in some sort of way: these unspoken expectations we have about life. I hate this pride about myself. I get angry when I think that my health my keep me from having a marriage and family, living in NYC, going to grad school, going to every continent, etc. etc. "I'm supposed to be in the *prime* of my life...it's not fair!" I often think to myself.
But lately, I've been encouraged, but it's not in the way you think. I may not get better, and there's a chance none of the above may happen. But through this, God has quietly whispered to my heart, "I have a purpose for you."
The scary part is -- it may not be what I like.
Sometimes, faithfulness looks different than doing the "big" things, but standing up eight times when you've fallen down seven (both literally and metaphorically). I may never write a book, I may never speak for a TED talk, but I have today. I can encourage a friend. I can pray. I can just...be.
Yes, I have dreams, but I'm not promised NYC, an influential career, or even tomorrow.. I've realized lately my purpose is not my own. We are the clay. He is the potter. Who am I to tell at my Creator what my purpose is?
So here's the beautiful part: God has a bigger plan and a bigger story for my life than I could ever dream for myself.
He promises us what is intended for harm He uses for good. We are just called to be faithful -- in whatever that looks like. I think a beautiful example of this is Kara Tippett's blog, Mundane Faithfulness. Isn't it beautiful that we have a God that doesn't expect us to perform for acceptance? The pressure's off, my friends.
So, to my fellow #lymies, #dystonia, #cfs, #pots, whatever you have, know this: even if you had to quit your job, even if you had to move, even if you have to leave when you were living your dream, even if you feel like your'e hanging by a thread, please know that you aren't failing and have not failed. Our stories are being woven into something more powerful and more beautiful than we could ever dream for ourselves. Keep fighting. We're cheering for you.
“speak quietly to yourself & promise there will be better days. whisper gently to yourself and provide assurance that you really are extending your best effort. console your bruised and tender spirit with reminders of many other successes. offer comfort in practical and tangible ways - as if you were encouraging your dearest friend. recognize that on certain days the greatest grace is that the day is over and you get to close your eyes. tomorrow comes more brightly...”
― Mary Anne Radmacher